Me and My Darker Half

I have a tendency to make my life a living hell from time to time. I'm not sure why exactly I do this, whether it be to feel alive still if I feel my life is getting too bland, or if I'm honestly just that dumb. Nevertheless I do these things, and I always end up learning more about myself and my impact on others during these times than any other time. It just always amazes me how much I learn from being a total asshole. Everyone turns on you and you're on your own for awhile and you learn how to survive without anyone, and then everyone likes you again for being independent. Which is fine with me, a bit odd in my book, but still I guess I'd rather not die alone.
Still I wish there was a way I could go through this whole "finding myself" process without fucking up everyone's life. I mean I don't really do it on purpose, it's kind of subconscious, but still I'm aware of what I'm doing at the same time.
Eh.
Life's a mystery that I'm never going to crack.